Do I want more children?
Of course I want more kids! They’re infuriating little humans that I can’t help but love. It’s a thing I grew in my body that now is just walking around in the world. But, how will I survive? There’s so much that goes into motherhood and parenting. Some of these are obvious, but the others not so much.
Giving Up A Career
Giving it up isn’t such a big deal to me. It’s the fact that when I return, things aren’t like where I left them. Harvard Business Review conducted a multi-phase study on what matters to female talent and what makes transitions tougher than others.
One of the phases involved interviews with people at 28 organizations across many sectors like aviation, banking, and technology. Many of these companies were households names, industry leaders, and had sophisticated HR systems. Yet in many of the firms, parental leave was viewed as a major disruption. HBR found signs that women’s careers were derailed after returning from leave, that colleagues held unconscious biases against the returning women, and that professional relationships also deteriorated after returning.
Even after maternity leave, most employers aren’t supportive to working mothers. A lady at work was so frustrated with not being able to really be mentally present on Sundays with her family because every Monday morning she had a meeting with the CEO. I am taking classes (to not fall behind in my professional life), volunteering, parenting, and running this household all at the same time. And yet when I go back to work I’m probably going to be asked why there’s a three- or four- or five-year gap in my resume. Like I was just lying on the couch all that time. Come on. (I mean I did fall asleep there from exhaustion frequently, but that’s not the point)
Physical and Physiological Changes
Belly gets big, toes get fat, stretch marks appear and—you’ve seen a pregnant woman, haven’t you? Some of us go through pregnancy like it’s nothing. My maternal grandmother had SEVEN children. SEVEN people lived in her uterus at different points in time. Some of those just ten months apart.
I don’t mean to disrespect, I’m just saying it boggles my mind. God rest her soul. Others, like me, and comedian Ali Wong, have to “take hormone pills that were suppositories, and Push Pop them up myself every single night.” Yup, I did that. HATED it. And the only thing that would convince me to do it were the words, “It’s not for you. It’s for the baby.” Well IN THAT CASE let me stick this up myself before I go to sleep then.**
And still for others, there’s gestational diabetes, preeclampsia—it’s just SO MANY THINGS that a woman’s body goes through to bring humans into this world.
The Heavy Lifting: Mental Work
This is the one that burdens me the most. I have one child, and I think about her CONSTANTLY. I think about what she eats, what she should wear so that bugs can’t bite her, and what to say to her so she grows up with good memories.
Parenting is a real thing I have to do. And it's not like e-mail where I just stop. It's all day long. It took a minute to get organized but now we have shared calendars to sort-out schedules, a chart to track meals for the week, and reminders for other physical and spiritual health targets. People KNOW that motherhood and parenting aren’t easy. A recently published report by Arizona State University and Oklahoma State University researchers looked at how “invisible labor” was linked to feelings of being overwhelmed and a sense of emptiness in women’s day-to-day lives.
Dr Lucia Ciciolla, assistant professor of psychology at Oklahoma State University who is one of the report’s authors, said: "Even though women may be physically doing fewer loads of laundry, they continue to hold the responsibility for making sure the detergent does not run out, all the dirty clothes make it into the wash and that there are always clean towels available. "Women are beginning to recognise they still hold the mental burden of the household even if others share in the physical work, and that this mental burden can take a toll."The women who were in charge of the household reported they felt overwhelmed with their role as parents, had little time for themselves and felt exhausted. Prof Luthar said: “There's no question that constant juggling and multi-tasking at home negatively affects mental health.”
Read the full report here. But just in our home, I have to make sure EVERYONE gets their five a day. Phytonutrients and macronutrients and minerals. Because getting sick is expensive, we are all about prevention.
Real Talk
Mothers are crisis-management experts, really. (That’s hilarious given my professional experience in disaster preparedness) Our purses are basically a Doomsday Prepper Go-Bag. Except doomsday is a toddler’s meltdown. We prep things that prevent or manage it, like snacks, toys, and in a worst-case scenario—an extra set of clothes.
Real talk, I know the beauty of parenting is in its secret sacrifices. It’s in the pouring out of your life into another human being. But it is also exhausting. And I dream, I really do, of having this big family. Like three kids who all look like Paolo. (WARNING: This city is REALLY ROMANTIC and if you’re family planning maybe get a vasectomy before you come visit)
Yes, I want more kids. But how will my mind survive? I feel that right now, I have enough to for my child, my husband, and myself. Some days I feel overwhelmed and cranky, but I can’t give up the activities I’ve set aside for myself to rest either because I use it to decompress.
Do you have more than one child? How was parenting like?
**It’s so hard to convey tone through text but I hope you understood the humor despite the discomfort