I Had A Bad Day Today
Can we talk about how it's not easy being a mother? I very nearly had a nervous breakdown today. It was a bad day. We just got back from a two-week visit to the Philippines so Allegra can spend time with her grandparents. She's a little older now and is quite articulate. Most of our visit involved me reassuring her that it was okay being in a new place. She wanted to be alone with me in our bedroom most of the time, and when we were out socializing, she was very grumpy. If she had a dollar every time she said, "NO!", she could set aside her own college fund.
Bad days are funny online but not in real life
The past two weeks have just been a rollercoaster. We spent a week with my family and a week with Paolo's family. But the whole time, she kept saying she wanted to go home. On the plane to Manila she was screaming for home. People were looking at me like it was happening to them. No, it was happening to ME.I joke about it on my Instagram stories but in reality, I was barely holding on to my wits. If I'm being honest, she wasn't just screaming on the plane. She was screaming at immigration, on the train to the gate, all the way to baggage claim in Manila. (AND WHY did the people at the security check in Beijing have to TAKE her TEETHER from her hands?! It's the most ridiculous thing I can't even! I almost lost my mind there from the next-level screaming!) It just gave me so much anxiety. I cried on the plane during the one hour that she was asleep. You don't see that on Insta.
The work never ends
So I'm working on this big new exciting project, and I'm on schedule to finish some things last night. But I had to keep coming to bed because the baby was waking up in the worst way, kicking and calling out to me in a fury. I don't even know if she's teething still, I just know that when I see her head pop up on the bed, I have to abandon my workstation and all my creative thoughts with it because I'm physically needed by another human being.I'm sharing my heart here. It's not easy. I love her and I want more children but I don't know if my mind can take any more mental work.It's like being a time traveller. I have to be ten steps ahead but still in the present.The other day, I was just putting clothes in the washing machine. I sorted them, put in detergent, and ran it. It was suspiciously quiet in the play area. Turns out, she had found a roll of toilet paper and promptly turned it into ribbons like a human paper shredder. So I had just ticked one task off my house work list when another one is added to it. It just never ends.
My bad day started like this
Today was specially hard because I didn't sleep well. When I finally fell asleep I was woken up every half hour by crying. It's frustrating because she's usually pleasant, she really is! She was probably uncomfortable or teething as usual. On top of that, I took an anti-histamine for an allergy. So I was groggy and really didn't get good sleep. This morning, she woke me up with crying again and I couldn't help but shush her. Paolo did a good job of calming her down.Mid-morning came and we were getting ready to leave the house. I was putting sunscreen on her and was getting really frustrated at the constant wiggling. Why does EVERYTHING have to be a battle? I have a million things to do and spending so much time on this one task was making me tired. I raised my voice in frustration, and we both were shocked for a few seconds until we both started crying. SHEESH. Bad day.
Thank God for my husband
Paolo sat with me and hugged me. Sometimes that's all we need. Someone who tries to understand.Lunch came and I usually wouldn't worry about how much she ate as we did baby-led weaning, but we saw a pediatrician who prescribed these weight gain vitamins. So she has a target weight before she's two years old. That's next month! It's really stressing me out because now I have to measure how much she eats and I have to make sure she's eating ALL. THE. TIME.That means I have to cut up some fruit, make some baba ganoush, get some pop corn, make some fried rice---whatever. I have to have a variety of food on hand so she doesn't get bored.Lunch today was beef and broccoli with saffron rice. Everything was going well, and she had eaten a good amount of rice and a bunch of beef, when all her food came back up. All over her shirt, the floor, her high chair.I really didn't know what to do anymore. I'm just glad Paolo was there. He helped me clean up, took her out for a few minutes to run errands, and did the dishes when he got back.
The sun will come out
Afternoon naps make everything better, so we were both less grumpy and a lot more lovable in the evening. It was still a struggle to properly brush her teeth because OF COURSE IT WAS. Let's not give Mom a pass.Honestly, I struggled a lot today. When Paolo got home from work I told him today wasn't easy. God willing, I'll do better tomorrow. I'll pray for supernatural patience tonight and a fresh perspective in the morning. I'll count my blessings instead of complaining about "bad days". I'll count to ten before I yell (or scream internally), and I'll think about how I'll miss all this when she's all grown up.Have you had overwhelming days like this?
Photos by Gaelle Marcel, Liv Bruce, Jez Timms, and RawPixel on Unsplash