Finding God in My Desperation
I'm going to share my heart with you real quick. My parents raised me to be "Christian". They taught me about Jesus and how God loved us and died for us and rose again. But His qualities didn't become real to me until I got pregnant.
I knew of Him, I didn't know Him
I've mentioned it before, but I think it's still important to stress. It was a VERY DIFFICULT PREGNANCY. I was bleeding internally, and the worst case was we could lose the baby. The doctor put me on nine weeks of bed rest, and prescribed a myriad of hormonal pills and injections. At the end of the nine weeks I had taken 380 oral pills, 56 suppositories, and gotten 21 injections (ON ALTERNATING BUTT CHEEKS) to try and keep the baby. I got an intravaginal (Yeah, I said it!) ultrasound scan every other day to monitor the bleeding. But all that humiliation was nothing compared to the uncertainty of it all.
I was desperate
Some days my husband would come into our room and find me crying in silent prayer, begging God to save my baby. I was a mess. I had to turn to the only Person who could help. Because where else would I go? I was desperate.
For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well. - Psalm 139:13-14
Every time I would cry to Him, I still didn't know what the future held for me or my baby, but strangely I would be at peace, because I knew Who held the future. I felt HIm take my hand in between my sobbing. I would read and meditate on Psalm 139 every day, especially on verse 13. Then I knew, God loved my baby more than I ever could.
We can love because He loved us first
At 12 weeks, the bleeding disappeared. I cried again of course, but this time for thanksgiving. I have a soft spot for mothers because I know of the love we have. It's amazing, it's unending, it's selfless. We can love like this because HE first loved us. So if you're a mother or just anyone in need of prayer, I'm happy to listen and pray with you. I'm happy to cry with you and after, share the joy with you. God thinks of you and me, He said so Himself! In the same Psalm it says, "The days of my life all prepared, before I'd even lived one day." Isn't that amazing? If you're reading this today, God wants you to know He loves you. He's been waiting for you. And He's ready to take your hand and comfort you.
Photos by Jeremy Perkins, Ben White, and Joshua Earle on Unsplash