Pregnant and crying
Paolo and I gave our parents the best New Year's news---they're going to be grandparents. We swore them to secrecy, but there was no stopping my dad. I think even obscure relatives who don't know who I am know I'm expecting. "Who's pregnant?" "Oh you know, the daughter of mom's second cousin on her mother's side."We've been expecting confirmation from tests for weeks following our wedding night, but we only got clear proof on New Year's Eve.What we didn't expect to follow being pregnant were three weeks of anxiety, doctor's visits, and begging God to save our baby. I am physically, emotionally, and spiritually drained. I've had to take four hormones---three of them everyday and the last one twice a week intramuscularly. That means needles. Now I don't mind those, but I tend to change my mind when the liquid is oil-based and has the viscosity of molasses. Did I mention I get the shots on my butt cheek? I'm absolutely ebullient.
Be Still
All this because the doctor found internal bleeding next to the baby. She didn't tell me the worst case scenario, but she put me on complete bed rest and prescribed a plethora of hormones. I read up, and apparently the bleeding can cause the placenta to detach and by implication, a miscarriage. I cried BUCKETS. That's more than I cried when I watched The Notebook.But seriously, it's not easy. The first weeks of being pregnant, my uterus started to expand. That put a strain on my kidneys which caused a UTI, which caused the internal bleeding. I was frustrated because my body is supposed to protect my baby and not endanger it, yet here we are.I've never had complete bed rest before. I don't even know what that means. I've been running around since I learned how to walk. Now that I'm grown and healthy, I'm only supposed to stay in bed! It's a real struggle for me. Sometimes I have to remember that I'll do my part, and while I'm at it implore God to save the little life in me.
Self-denial
I realized that there's something more going on here than just carrying a child. There's nothing more jolting than the understanding that you're not looking out for yourself anymore, it's a different level of self-denial as Relevant Magazine said. Having exhausted even my psyche has made me realize I have no one to cling to who can give me what I need. All I ask for is peace. Peace of mind that everything will be okay. Only One Person can give that to me.Three weeks of my emotions shuttling from joy because of a tiny heartbeat to despair because a cloud of blood was looming over my baby. Three weeks of my husband catching me in tears during quiet time as my heart knelt before God and we finally get an answered prayer.
The bleeding has dissipated from 2.5 cc three days ago to 0.7 today. My baby moved during the ultrasound, and my husband Paolo caught it. It's times like these when the doctrines you believe in --- God is in control, God is good, God is all powerful, God loves you --- become real. I realized I shouldn't worry, because He loves my family more than I will ever love it. He built it, and He'll take care of it.Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from Him. -Psalm 127:5